Ahh…My Old Schule House!

It’s been another month, so it’s time for another update from the Coughanours in Deutschland. This month the big adventure has been…School! Alice and David both started school at the beginning of August. Alice is in first grade and meets in the school building directly across the street from our apartment. David is in Kindergarten (which is basically preschool) and I ride with him to school which is about 5 blocks away.

First Grade

My favorite thing about the first grade in Germany is the Schultüte ceremony. A Schultüte is a large paper or plastic cone that is presented to the first grader who is about to embark on their school career. It is filled with little gifts and school supplies and candy. I had a lot of fun picking out and filling Alice’s school cone. Even if we move somewhere else, I’m definitely keeping this tradition for all the kids.

Alice LOVES her schultüte

The Saturday before the first day of school all of the first graders and their families gather in the auditorium for a presentation put on by all the older children in the school. Then, while the parents wait, the kids meet their teachers, they see their classroom and they get to know one another a bit.

This is a really blurry picture of the cute older students singing a song about how school doesn’t have to be scary to all the first graders.

Of course the hardest part about going to a German school is the German! The choice to put our kids in German schools rather than their international counterparts was very intentional, but this month has been an emotional roller coaster. I saw my little girl wiping away silent tears after she thought I had gone as she sat hunched over her desk in the middle of 20 little Jungen und Mädchen. My heart broke when I peeked through the school yard fence to see her playing by herself, surrounded by a sea of children who were playing near, but not with, her.

Just tonight, I attended a parent meeting at her school. I sat in her desk surrounded by the parents of her classmates who were talking and joking and understanding and I felt completely isolated. I felt anxious and stressed and embarrassed. I feel like I understand what she is going through a little more. So tonight I am making a promise to myself. No matter what happens during my day, I will be a safe haven for my little girl at the end of hers.

In spite of the heart breaking moments there are so many victories every day. She walks to her class by herself and she comes home happily. She has made a few friends. She played with some girls in the playground today. She was able to tell a boy that she understands “ein bischen Deutsch” and he understood her. The triumphs are small but they are so so important and they come faster and faster.

Kindergarten

Literally “Child-garden”, Kindergarten in Germany is full of outside play. There is a very minimal structured curriculum (as far as I can tell, the only really structured time is a 15 minute circle time at the beginning of the day). Other than that, the children play. They play and play and play. This is the prefect environment for David to learn German. Already he knows German words without thinking about them in English.

“What’s all over your hands David?” I ask

“Oh…” he replies non-nonchalantly “It’s Kleber”

“What color do you want to wear?” I ask

“Blau of course” he says.

“See you later, buddy!” I say

“Bis Später!” he calls back.

Of course he has his challenges as well. He gets lonely and bored sometimes and he sometimes sits in the window for several minutes at a time waiting for me to come back and get him, but I’m not worried. He has very sweet and patient teachers. I absolutely love his adorable Polish born teacher who says in her heavy accent “Oh! He is so nice! I just like him!” as she tousles his hair (which makes him blush and duck his head with a coy little smile).

Dave loves to ride his balance bike to school. He’s pretty fast!

Homeschool 

Lucy is at home with me. This is unusual for a 3 year old in Germany. Many children start attending Kindergarten at 1 year and prenatal registration is a must. I wouldn’t mind sending Lucy to school but while enrollment is free for 5 year old children there is a cost for the younger ones. In the mean time she helps me with laundry and tidying, she is learning to be independent, she keeps me company with ceaseless adorable babbling about this or that thing, and we go to parks.

One of her favorite things to do is climb the 4 flights of stairs to the attic where we hang our laundry on rainy days. It is old and strange and exciting up there and she plays out her fantasies with gusto.

And now…Grownup Classes! 

This week I’ll be starting an adult German class which is offered at Alice’s school with babysitting provided! I’m so excited to improve my language skills. More on that later.

Pictures

Here are a bunch of pictures I’ve taken recently…

Headed to church

At Alice’s School.

Headed off to School in the morning

Date with mom

I like this tiny person.

 

First Impressions

It has been a whole month since we moved to Germany. I have really been shirking my blog writing goals but things are going very well. It is so nice to live together as a family again! We have been setting up house, exploring the city and getting to know our neighbors.

Here are some of my favorite things about our new life.

Ross

I am so happy to be living together again! Change has been the watchword of the month in almost everything, but being together again and figuring out how we work as a couple again has been wonderful and familiar. We sing to the kids at night, we play catch, Ross writes while I draw or cut, we explore, we play, we work. It is wonderful to be able to talk to each other in person.

Out on a bike ride together.

We have been figuring out how to be parents together again too. I think parents tend to go through a re-training period about semi-annually when it comes to the rearing of their children. When you add an international move and a reunion to the mix it enhanced that adjustment period for us. The transition from single parent to co-parent can be a challenge, but it is a remarkably good one to take on.

Visitors

We’ve really enjoyed hosting a few guests during the first few weeks after the move. My mom and dad helped us make the journey over here and then they stayed with us for the first week and a half. We did lots of biking and walking and exploring with them. My mom helped me do a little decorating and dad helped Ross put together our new cargo bike. It was a great visit and we were all very sad to see them go.

Mom and dad at the zoo with us.

About a week later our good friend Ryne came for a visit as part of his European tour. He and two friend were great to hang out with and I hope they had a fun time traveling all over the place.

Ryne is fun.

Church

Coming to Europe, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from the ward here. Whatever preconceptions or fears I had about how we would be received were put to rest on the very first Sunday. Our ward is incredibly welcoming. Lots of people have been offering to help translate for me, the kids felt right at home in primary, and there is a real sense of inclusion that I hadn’t really expected.

Our ward area includes Braunschweig and 2 neighboring towns. Luckily for us, Ross found us an apartment that is less than a 5 minute bike ride from the church down a picturesque little bike path. Our Sunday morning ride to the chapel is one of my favorite moments of the week.

There are three other expat families in the ward. Two of them are from the states and the other family is from Mexico. It has been very nice to have a group of women who know what it is like to move here from overseas. They have been anticipating my questions and concerns, they have been giving my really wonderful advice and (most importantly to me) making me feel very very welcome.

There are 2 full time elder missionaries and 2 full time sister missionaries in our area and they have been very helpful in our initial transition. Ross has gone out teaching with the elders a few times and the sisters have been kind enough to come over once a week to help me with my German.

The Cargo Bike

Our new cargo bike is awesome. I love that I can buckle all three kids in and still have room for a stroller or a back pack. I also really like that I can see them all while we are riding around. It comes with a full rain cover (which is good for this area) that has clear vinyl windows and can be pulled back when the weather is nice.

At the duck pond.

During our first week, we took the family on an outing in the new bike and little L, who was still jet lagged from the trip fell fast asleep. She didn’t wake up when we unbuckled her and stowed her underneath the bench. She hasn’t done that since, but it’s good to know that she fits (more or less).

Sleeping in the cargo bike is a squishy affair.

The city is very bike friendly. Bike lanes are the norm, there are bike racks in front of every store, and there are beautiful secluded bike paths all over the city. We get a fair amount of attention out on the street (most of it friendly). Though bikes are extremely common, cargo bikes are rare, and three children to a family is also pretty uncommon. Yesterday we took the bikes to the city center and played in the splash pad. The kids had a spectacular time.

The splash pad at the city center ran the water for about 30 seconds and then turned it off for a minute or two, so most of the playing was done in the aftermath of the fountains.

Cobblestones pave most of the streets in the inner ring of the city.

I think they had more fun because it was impromptu and there were no swimsuits required.

Sehenswürdigkeiten  (The sights)

We live in a really stunning part of the world. Braunschweig is so green! The only place I can really compare it to is south-central Indiana except that it is a bit milder and wetter here. There are playgrounds all over the place. One of my favorites is on the bank of the Oker river next to a bike path. Almost all the playground equipment is built from the branches of local trees. There are tree houses, a ship built on large springs so that it feels like its really moving, a swing set, a slide and a suspended teeter-totter. What makes it even better is that it is secluded enough that hardly anyone is ever there! It is surrounded on three sides by thick German forest.

 

Moments before this picture he fell and hit his head. He’s a pretty resilient little guy.

Pirates in a storm.

I love this face!

They love the teeter-totter in this beautiful secluded little park.

She learned to pump last year and now she’s a pro.

The city center (innenstadt) is old and lovely. The cathedrals and castle and courthouse look like they are straight out of the middle ages. Now, during the summer vacation, we will often come across farmers markets and street vendors and performers milling around between beautiful huge buildings that have been standing for 800 years or more.

Lion square. Braunchweig is known as the Lion City in reference to Heinrich the Lion, duke of Saxony who died here in 1195.

Mom and dad in front of the Opera house.

Our Apartment

We live 5 minutes outside of the Innenstadt in an old 5 story building directly across the street from the elementary school. Ross had already done a LOT of work on the apartment before we arrived and in the month since I have had fun putting a few feminine touches on the place.

Ross hung these two floating shelves next to the bed for nightstands.

I have been doing yoga in the mornings and I love to stretch in front of these big windows in our room.

One of my favorite areas in our apartment is the big dining room and living room. They are brightly lit from the windows from about 4:30 in the morning to almost 10 at night. I’ve heard that during the winter it is dark most of the time, so I’m enjoying all the sunshine.

Forts have been a weekly occurrence around here as the kids are trying to make their mark on the new house.

Ross’s corner. He sits here and plays guitar for half an hour at a time.

My kitchen is small and sweet and European. I actually really like having the washing machine in the kitchen because I can multitask my housework. My mom bought some herbs for the window sill that I love! And dad picked up a little drawer tower to put next to the washer. It is such an efficient little kitchen and it feels homey and sweet.

Had I taken this picture during the day, you could see our courtyard out the window.

The table was one of Ross’s awesome finds. It has leaves on both sides that slide out for more counter space.

The stove has a tidy little cover that keeps everything clean and safe for the kids.

A fun quirk of the house is that there are two half bathrooms. The toilet room comes off the hall, and the tub room door is in the kitchen. Kinda funny, but it works.

I am excited to write more about our adventures soon, but I’ve got to stop for tonight. We miss our family and friends very much and we will try to keep our ties with America strong.

Auf Wiedersehen from Braunschweig!

Mommy Date #4

Mommy date #4 was a low key affair. A and I watched Mulan and ate popcorn on my bed after the other kids went to sleep. It was a nice, relaxing time. I fell asleep before the movie was over so my sweetie tucked me in and gave me a kiss put herself to bed.

Marmees and Minchins

Growing up, two of my favorite authors were Louisa May Alcott and Frances Hodgson Burnett.

In Alcott’s Little Women, Marmee March is the mom that makes you kind of roll your eyes a little and sigh in envious wonder. She is a single mother for most of the book and even though she is working to put food on the table she also makes time to play with her children, pray with her children, read to her children and encourage their talents. She teaches them to serve and be grateful and work hard and be humble and…[insert virtue here].

Then on weekends and holidays she trudges through the snow to nurse the poor and afflicted. She makes me smile…and feel a little queasy…

On the other hand, Burnett’s A Little Princess showcases the “mothering” skills of Miss Minchin who literally forces orphans into slavery. “You will have no time for dolls in the future,” she said. “You will have to work and improve yourself and make yourself useful.” (7.162)

She’s a real winner.

As I make my way (occasionally slog my way) through the trenches of motherhood, sometimes I feel like Marmee March. Sometimes I really do take advantage of those precious teaching moments, I do play with my kids and show them how to care for others. Sometimes I really listen and really say just the right thing at the right moment.

On the flip side, I sometimes feel like a Minchin. No, I don’t enslave orphans, but the other day after D colored with crayon on the upholstery (again) the words “No you can’t play with your toys! Now quit your whining and get back to work!” sounded a bit like the Burnett villain. The body language – glowering, hands on hips watching him scrub the chair clean – added to the similarity.

I’m not really talking about discipline here. Having a Marmee day doesn’t mean that I just stop disciplining my kids. If (when) D draws on the upholstery again I will insist that he clean it up himself again. He is old enough to accept the consequences of, and therefore learn from, his mistakes. Of course part of my job is to monitor those consequences and bear some of their weight if I need to. But what isn’t part of my job is to belittle him while he struggles with consequences. That is what a Minchin would do.

At the end of a long day, after the kids are in bed when I think back on my day I can pick out the Marmee moments and the Minchin moments. Every day has them. When I have a day with more Marmee than Minchin I feel great! I feel satisfied and hopeful (albeit exhausted). But, give it a few days and I get a Minchin day – a day when the majority of my communication with my kids was growled at them. I feel guilty and sad and still exhausted.

And then I strive to do better.

Kids are frustrating sometimes and nobody is perfect. What I’m going to do, though, is try to do a little bit better every day. Maybe someday when my twelfth great-great-grandchild is born I will have nothing by Marmee days.

Now is the Winter of Our Malcontents

Winter is tough for kids. Getting outside is a huge chore because at least one mitten or sock or shoe is inevitably lost; coats are put on and then taken off in some distant corner of the house; and everyone seems to need help doing things that I could swear I’ve seen them do before. Then, once outside, it is cold and fingers start to sting, and noses start to run, and eyes start to water…let the whining commence!

Indoors has its own problems. Nobody likes to be cooped up. We try to break things up with games and toys and projects, but inevitably

Kids are bored or ‘over-chored’ or just ignored.

And when the house is all explored

That’s when the kids become a horde

And mother is completely floored

When child employs his vocal cord

And walls become a drawing board

And beverage is neatly poured

Onto the floor (how untoward!)

And then they fight – indeed they warred

So mother forced a peace accord.

And now…back to the drawing board

To find a thing – its own reward –

That will help the children not be bored.

Ok. So that is isn’t completely true. The kids do get crazy when they are cooped up, but I think that being bored sometimes is a good thing because it forces them to use their imagination and come up with things to do.

This winter, all of the kids have been especially whiny. Even cute little L has started whining, and she can’t even talk yet! A few times a day they are dissatisfied with one thing or another  (stemming from cabin fever) and they know the exact tone of voice and combination of complaints that will drive me completely insane.

Of course they have incredibly lovely and sweet moments too. We are all learning bit by bit. But anyway, one way we are trying to help the dear little malcontents is with the boredom busters jar.When the kids need something to do – and their chores are done – we go to the jar. I found a list of activities here and here and I wrote down about 30 of them and put them in a jar. It is great to have some ready made activities to turn to when we are all too drained to think of how to make it to dinner time.

For now we will just try our darnedest to treasure the moments we are in right now and look forward to spring.

Oh Come Let Us Overrun Him

I promised a few stories from our trip to Utah. My favorite moment from the trip was when the kids put on a live nativity for the Grandmas and Grandpas. I don’t have any pictures from the Coughanour nativity, but here are a couple from the Vance’s. 

D took his job as Joseph very seriously. While Luke 2 was being read he would sometimes stick his fist into the air and shout “And I’m JOSEPH!”
L wasn’t so interested in most of her shepherd duties…except for one; when she saw the baby Jesus (which was actually a multicolored bear in swaddling clothes because we didn’t have a doll) she just adored the stuffing out of him. She ran over as fast as she could and tackled him to the ground and started sucking on his nose. We kept trying to get her to go listen to the angel but she was undeterred from her exuberant adoration. 

A was happy to be Mary at the Vance’s house. She took great care to smooth baby Jesus’s fur and make sure he was warm. She was excited to be an Angel at the Coughanour nativity and sang Away in a Manger like a pro.

Next year we will get a baby doll for the Nativity. A fuzzy bear is probably borderline sacrilegious. But the children still got into the spirit of the season, and I was really touched.

Birthday Bashing

I am the proud parent of a newly turned three-year-old. D is very excited with this turn of events. He is constantly reminding us: “Mommy, dess what!? I’m wee!”

His birthday was on the 16th and because he really really wanted to have a ‘super’ birthday cake at Nana’s house, we had his birthday party about a week early while we were still in Utah. We played pin the cape on the super man and kryptonite hot potato and he was very excited about the superman cake.

We also had a birthday party for Alice when we were in Utah. I don’t think I’d call this effort a Pinterest fail, (though it looks a little more like a princess yurt than a princess castle) but we worked hard on it and the expression on her face when she saw it was delightful.

Anyway, back to the ‘wee’ year old…on his actual birthday he got to blow out some candles on a cupcake and we broke out the tent and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over an emergency candle in the back yard.

  

Unfortunately, I didn’t get any pictures from the camp out because my hands were too full trying to keep the kids from jumping in the very impressive array of muddy puddles in the grass. It wasn’t the cleanest adventure I’ve ever supervised, but it was a hit nonetheless.

Speaking of adventures, I have a new scheme for 2015. I want to have at least one bonafide adventure with the kids every single week. I found this pretty cool website called My Kids’ Adventures with some great ideas about how parents and kids can get away from the television and go have fun together. I am not going to really stress out about making it expensive or complicated, but a trip to a museum once a week or a scavenger hunt or a game of flash light hide and seek or…an at-home camp out will, I think, improve our relationships and improve the general atmosphere of our home. We will be out having fun and exploring and loving life together.

That is the plan at any rate.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Kid Quote: Oh the Egomania!

Today is my birthday. Twenty-Seven! Ross has finals today so he had to leave early this morning. I slept in until 7:30 until the kids got up. When D came into my room and climbed onto the bed this conversation happened:

Me: Good morning!

D: Morning mommy.

Me: Guess what? It’s my birthday today!

D: No it’s not. My birthday isn’t until we get to Nana’s house.

Twenty minutes later, A woke up and came downstairs. She came into the kitchen and this conversation happened:

Me: Good morning!

A: Morning.

Me: Guess what? It’s my birthday today!

A: Oh. But I’m still four.

*Sigh*

The One-Eighty

A few nights ago, Ross called me to say he loves me (which he does every day) and to say how grateful he is to have married me. It made me feel so good. I was making his dinner when my almost-4-year-old ran up to me in a new shirt and pants and said “I want to show you my pretty style!” She struck a pose and accepted her praise until her little brother showed up. “I want to show you my style too! My super style!” and struck a pose too. It was so cute and funny. I just felt so happy that they were friends and playing nicely. The baby, strapped to my back, was gently stroking my hair. Motherhood is just the best!

20 minutes later, and we’ve pulled a 180.

I am boiling inside. Motherhood is seriously the worst ever. There’s pee all over the kitchen floor, the once adorable super suit is covered in poop, the dinner is burning on the stove, the baby is screaming and clawing my neck, and the children are splashing water all over the bathroom.

In retrospect, it wasn’t the accident, or the burnt beans, or scratched neck that made me lose my cool. I think the real problem was that my feelings were 100% linked to the actions of others instead of being monitored and controlled by myself.

When I was a kid, my dad always used to talk about amygdalas. The amygdala (according to this article) is a structure in the limbic system of our brains which stores emotional memories. It is also the source of our “fight or flight” reactions and survival instincts. The amygdala sorts through all this incoming data from the world around it and decides which part of the brain should be in charge of the reaction. During an extremely emotional event, the amygdala kind of takes over and “goes into action without much regard for the consequences (since this area of the brain is not involved in judging, thinking, or evaluating).”

This is a really simplified version of what the amygdala actually does, but it is basically how I understood it as a kid. When my siblings and I would start to fight about this or that, dad would step in sometimes and say ‘who’s in charge, you or your amygdala?’. Basically, he meant that we needed to take a breath and gain control of our overactive emotional response before we hurt somebody.

The thing I learned from my dad (and the thing that is being driven home at least once a day as a parent) is that I am the master of my own emotions. I have the ability and really the responsibility to control my reactions. Blaming others for my own emotions is counterproductive and destructive.

I am the captain of my own ship. Allowing my reactions to my toddler’s naughtiness to control me rather than the other way round is like putting said toddler at the helm. “Here you go naughty child! Enjoy your trip as you steer mommy into the loony bin.”

President Gordon B. Hinkley said “I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.”

My kids don’t control how I am feeling. I do. No matter how much work I have to do, or how big of a mess they make, holding a grudge against anyone (especially a 2 year old) is not only an exercise in futility but it is harmful to our relationship. I can discipline without being overcome by anger. In fact, it is pretty important that I do.

Kid Quote: Nice-mares

D: Mommy, my nightmares were nice last night.

Me: What was nice about them?

D: They were all about you.

Me: Thanks bud.

A: I had nice nightmares too…they were about the Care Bears.